"I thought I knew all the dogs in town" ashtray, chalkware, purchased at Taylor's antiques in Ellicott City, Maryland

This ashtray is a classic wiener dog joke, with implied ashtray/butt humor.  The dachshund who is using the tree stump to relieve himself is so long that his body has wrapped around the trunk and reached his rear end.  The only problem is that he doesn’t recognize it as his own.  He’s thinking, “I thought I knew all the dogs in town.”  Very funny.  Butt jokes and ashtrays go together like outhouses and salt and pepper shakers.

I have put this in my category of “Ash Trays I’ll Never Put My Smoke Out In” because it’s so tacky.  Also, I don’t smoke.  But even if I did, I wouldn’t use it.  I’ve seen plenty of carnival chalkware at flea markets and antique stores, and I’ve never seen a piece in as good a condition as this one.

Quality was never high among the goals of the chalkware manufacturer, so the paint job is often sloppy or peeling, and the chalk (also known as “poor man’s porcelain”) chips easily.  Carnival chalk was common at circus and carnival midways, especially during the first half of the twentieth century, where it was used as prizes for various games of skill.  They were often figurines of such characters as Kewpie or Popeye, but sometimes were cheap gags such as this one.

Obviously, the original owner viewed this as an ashtray he’d never use either, which explains its near-perfect condition.  Whoever you are, original owner, thank you!

Jesus Corkscrew and Bottle Opener, purchased from ShopCoolGifts.com in February 2012

The Jesus Corkscrew and Bottle Opener is a tacky treasure in the same way the Popener is a tacky treasure.  About the Popener, I said, “It is the perfect blend of a figure of eminence with a mundane item of everyday utility.”  It’s that ironic juxtaposition which made it a tacky treasure.  Well, who could be more eminent than Jesus Christ?

Make no mistake, this is a quality product.  As a corkscrew and a bottle opener, it works perfectly.  And this is a well-made product that I expect to last a long time.  I can’t say the same for the Popener.  The first one I bought broke on the second use.  I bought some replacement Popeners, but they are for show only.  I woudn’t risk using them to open a bottle.

I bought the Jesus Corkscrew and Bottle Opener directly from the manufacturer (ShopCoolGifts.com), and it arrived with a personal note.  Apparently, the person who sent it was concerned when he saw my email address, which ends with tackytreasures.com.  Maybe he even checked out my website.  The sender insisted that the corkscrew and bottle opener is not tacky, and pointed out the clever slogans on the packaging.  “Best when enjoyed with twelve close friends.”  “Please drink responsibly as there’s a fine line between witnessing miracles and just being plain drunk.”  Well, for me that was just the icing on the cake.  There are more catchy phrases on the packaging, but I’d rather not spoil it for someone looking for a well-made corkscrew and bottle opener, who wants something different, perhaps even more ironic, than usual.  If that’s the case, the Jesus Corkscrew and Bottle Opener is for you!

Professor Cline's Haunted Monster Museum & Dark Maze, September 2009

I’m so sad to have to report that a fire on April 16, 2012 destroyed Mark Cline’s creation, “Professor Cline’s Haunted Monster Museum & Dark Maze.”  There is no word yet on the cause, however, the haunted house was closed for the season, and the electricity had been shut off.  The fire is being investigated.  Unfortunately, this is not the first fire to Mark’s work.  There was a suspicious fire at his studio in Natural Bridge in 2001 which destroyed many of his personal items and memorabilia about his remarkable career as a fiberglass artist and inveterate prankster.

In fact, I first met at the gates of the Haunted Monster Museum in 2004.  We had corresponded via email over our common interests in roadside attractions, in particular the old Enchanted Forest amusement park to which we had both gone as children.  I signed up for his HauntFest, a convention of people running haunted house attractions.  I checked into the cottages next to the parking lot of the haunted house, and was admiring the fantastic gate, when I heard a pickup truck rumbling down the access road to the right of the gate.  The truck stopped very near where I was standing, and it unnerved me a little bit.  I watched as tall, lanky guy in a fedora jumped out and yelled, “Julie!” at me.  I knew it must be Mark Cline.  I said, I guess you know who I am already.  “Of course,” he replied.  “I’d recognize a fellow weirdo anywhere!”

What I liked about Professor Cline’s Haunted Monster Museum and Dark Maze was that for a haunted house, it was amazingly lighthearted and funny.  Mark always wants people to have a good time, which is why he offers a “chicken exit” for people who are uncomfortable, and also offers a scare-free version for children upon request.

Here are some photos of the haunted house that I have accumulated over several visits. I don’t have many of the interior, except for two that I took in 2004 during HauntFest, when a lights-on tour of the house was conducted for attendees.  But I also didn’t want to ruin the surprise for anyone who hoped to visit the haunted house some day.  But I’m afraid an arsonist may have ruined it for everybody.

The gate to the Haunted Monster Museum during the casket races. April 2004

Detail of Professor Cline's Haunted Monster Museum & Dark Maze, September 2009	Dog house on the front porch of the haunted house. Just another example of Mark's wacky sense of humor. April 2004
Detail over front door of the haunted house. June 2010	Interior detail. April 2004
Chicken exit (from the inside). This is the best I could do, since I was running through the haunted house with a tour group. April 2004	Chicken exit (from the outside). Some people just love the big chicken. September 2005

Hokie Pokie Sound Machine, purchased on eBay in February 2012. This was my entry in the Tacky Treasures Road Show 2012, which to my surprise, didn't win anything.

This is the worst-designed phonograph record player I have ever seen, and yet as soon as I found out about it, I knew I had to have one.  It is so ridiculous, it makes me laugh just thinking of it.  A conventional record player has a turntable on which the record sits, and the stylus or needle is drawn across it.  The Hokie Pokie Sound Machine has the record sitting on a flat surface, and the stylus is on the bottom of a little plastic truck that drives over the grooves!

I found out about the Hokie Pokie Sound Machine from Who would buy this? : the Archie McPhee story by Mark Pahlow, an essential reference work in my growing library of tackological research.  It was published by the Accoutrements Publishing Company in 2008.

There is so much wrong with the way this concept was executed.

1.  There is a tiny speaker in the truck that has extremely poor sound quality.  You can barely recognize the songs on the record that came with the Hokie Pokie Sound Machine.  Also, there’s a warble-like quality to the sound, as if the Hokie Pokie Sound Machine is slowing down and speeding up slightly as it plays, but it’s not.  It might be caused by the stylus not being positioned exactly right, something that is difficult to accomplish, due to the generally flawed design.

2.  The truck makes a high, whiny noise as it goes around.  This additional problem with the sound, layered on top of the crappy audio quality, makes even a good song unpleasant to listen to.  The constant high-pitched drone probably makes every dog in the vicinity uncomfortable.  I know it makes ME crazy when I have to hear it.

3.  There is no volume control.  Bearing mind #1 and #2, the sound is so awful I had to leave the room a couple of times while making the videos, which is the only effective way to reduce the volume.

4.  The Hokie Pokie Sound Machine doesn’t work with regular records; it only works with the one that came with the truck.  I think it’s because the truck maintains a constant speed as it goes around the record, and the grooves on the record are adapted to that.  I’m not sure why this matters, because the speed of a turntable is constant, also.  All I know is that if you use the Hokie Pokie Sound Machine on a regular LP, when the truck, I mean stylus, gets closer to the inner grooves of the LP, the pitch seems to go up.  In one of the videos below, it sounds like Janis Joplin has inhaled some helium.

Video of the Hokie Pokie Sound Machine playing some of the songs on the included record:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/tackyjulie/6869872660/

Video of the Hokie Pokie Sound Machine playing a song on one of my own LP records:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/tackyjulie/7015984281/

In conclusion, I declare this to be a tacky treasure despite all the flaws above, because it’s so silly, that it’s hilarious.  And I’m proud to say that for once I have found a tacky treasure that is not sexual, political, religious, or scatological in nature.  I could actually show this one to my mother without fear of offending her.

Tacky German Postcard, purchased March 2012 at the Mt. Vernon Antique Center

I wish I’d had this postcard for last year’s Toilet Week.  It would have added an international flair to the event.  It depicts a man with a bottle of schnapps in his hand about to flush himself down a toilet.  The caption reads, “My life’s last station hangs on this chain.”  Wow, that is certainly more clever than what we Americans usually come up with:  “Goodbye cruel world!”

This reminds me that my first encounter with the concept of tackiness involved postcards.  Way back when I was in college, one of my friends conducted a tacky postcard contest.  People sent her the tackiest ones that they could find, and after a while, she would declare a winner.  The first year I remember this contest happening, the winner was the picture of a dead cowboy in the desert with a vulture on his back, with the caption, “The End of the Road.”  Ah, memories!

I found the tacky German postcard at the Mount Vernon Antique Center while on a tacky quest.  The Tacky Treasures Road Show is coming up soon, and I hoped that day for a big find.  And in fact, I did find something fabulously tacky, but unfortunately it was way out of my price range.  It was a stuffed macaque monkey in its own glass display case, holding a small ceramic pitcher and a red wine glass.  The sticker price was an unbelievable $3,500.00.  Even when the sales person said helpfully, “It’s 30% off today,” there was no way that I could afford it.  On the other hand, at that price, I don’t think it’s going anywhere soon, and I might just head back to Mt. Vernon one of these days to visit it.  Unfortunately, I do not have a photo of the monkey worth posting.  My cellphone camera is horrible, and most antique malls actually forbid the use of cameras.  The only reason I took a shot of the monkey with my phone was in case someone doubted my story and I needed proof.

Back to the tacky German postcard…it’s now on display in my downstairs bathroom with rest of my toilet and outhouse collection.  Thanks to John Heins for the translation of the caption of the postcard.

Republic Mug by Fishs Eddy, purchased on eBay February 2012

Although this is a sturdy ceramic mug, it belongs in my collection of “Mugs I’ll Never Use,” because it has the faces of eleven Republican politicians imprinted on the side.  My objection isn’t that they are members of the Grand Old Party.  I’d probably drink out of a mug with Lincoln’s face on it, and probably already have.  But the people on this mug are curious, and sometimes objectionable, choices.  History has not been kind to most of them, such as Joe McCarthy, Strom Thurmond, and Spiro Agnew.  Whatever their accomplishments in life might have been, they will probably be most remembered in history for abuse of power, racism, and corruption.

The makers of this mug also made a Democratic version, which I haven’t been able to locate.  But I do know that it features Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt, and John F. and Robert F. Kennedy.  These are political figures to whom history has been kinder to than their G.O.P. mug counterparts.  I guess we know what party the manufacturer belonged to.

Smoking Elephant Cigarette Dispenser, purchased at Unique Thrift in Hillandale, Maryland, February 2012

Maybe this is enough to make a smoker quit. Seeing a cigarette coming out of an elephant’s butt should make anyone reconsider their dirty habit.  I have similar dispenser which dispenses cigarettes out of a donkey’s butt, so now my collection is officially bi-partisan.

The wooden donkey cigarette dispenser was hand-made in America, and it still works.  This elephant is made of cheap plastic, and was already broken when I bought it.  If it weren’t for the cool illustration on the box, I wouldn’t have come home with it at all.

Before Salt and Pepper Shakers

This pair of salt and pepper shakers embodies a negative stereotype of older married couples.  And yet, with a twist of the wrist, I was able to use them to demonstrate another negative stereotype entirely.  These were a gift from Kaycee, who has an excellent eye for tacky treasures, and tackiness in general.

The “Before” side of these shakers depict a bride and groom who are young and beautiful,with lovely clothes and fine figures.  They seem unaware of the cruel fate that advancing age has in store for them.  By turning the shakers around, we see what their creator wants to teach us about the realities of time.

After Salt and Pepper Shakers

The “After” side of these shakers show a pair of old, paunchy, sloppily-dressed people.  I realize this is supposed to make me laugh at the youthful optimism of a young, about-to-be-married couple, and poke fun at the aging process.  But of course, to pull off a gag like this, one has to make some general assumptions about weddings and marriage.  And as usual, I find myself not thinking it’s so funny because my life hasn’t always followed the mainstream path.  For one thing, when my husband and I got married only a few years ago, let’s just say we were already a bit older than the age the “Before” scenario represents. However, my husband doesn’t have a trace of the paunch that the man in the “After” shakers has, and he’s got a lot more hair on his head, to boot.  As for me, you’ll never see me in a babushka, and I haven’t worn a skirt or dress since before I retired last year.

Of course, these shakers are tacky, and tackiness is never socially-conscious. But pointing out that older people can be beautiful, and can have rich love lives that are based on their inner qualities as well, just isn’t as funny as poking fun at stereotypes.

As I was photographing these, I realized that there were more than just two ways to pose these salt and pepper shakers.  You can also use them to portray May-December romances of both types; one where the husband is significantly older than the wife, and the other where the wife is significantly older than the husband.  The feminist in me is required to note that when the wife is significantly older, she is labeled a “cougar,” whereas there is no corresponding derogatory term for a husband who is significantly older than his wife.  This drove me to do some ten-minute research on the Internet where I found this article, which states the issues rather clearly:  Don’t Call Me a Cougar – Rejecting the Cougar Stereotype.

A Rubber Duck Nativity Set

http://tackytreasures.com/seasonal/rubberduck.html

Two Headless Chickens

http://tackytreasures.com/topics/miketheheadless.html

Three Naked Santas

http://tackytreasures.com/seasonal/nakedsanta.html

Four Beer Can Hats

Five Pooping Reindeer

http://tackytreasures.com/seasonal/reindeer.html

Six Leopard Fezzes

Seven Tacky Sweat Shirts

Eight Rubber Band Vests

http://tackytreasures.com/seasonal/reindeer.html

Nine "Pick Your Nose" Cups

http://www.perpetualkid.com/pick-your-nose-party-cups.aspx

Ten Lords A-Leaping

http://www.tackytreasures.com/top/jesusplayingfootball.html

Eleven Santa Pinatas

http://www.tackytreasures.com/seasonal/santapinata.html

Twelve Maids A-Milking

http://www.tackytreasures.com/topics/mugs.html

And if you haven’t had enough by now, then be sure to visit the Kitsch Bitch’s version of the Twelve Days of Kitschmas:  http://thekitschbitsch.blogspot.com/2010/12/twelve-days-of-kitschmas.html

Entrance to the Tune Inn

The Tune Inn is back.  This historic bar, with the second-oldest liquor license in the city, has been renovated following a kitchen fire in June of this year.  My first impression, which was echoed by my drinking companions, was, “It looks the same, only cleaner.”  Back on the walls, in almost exactly the same places, are years of memorabilia and taxidermy.  Yes, the taxidermy deer butt has returned to its place over the door to the men’s room.

Deer butt over the men's room door

Capitol Hill is not where you’d expect to find a dive like the Tune Inn, but I’m glad it’s there.  It’s an oasis of tackiness close to the Capitol, where there seems to be a lot of people with a bloated sense of their own importance.  The Tune Inn is a down to earth place where people get together to eat and drink (mostly to drink), and just be themselves.  That’s why I used to like to go there for lunch occasionally when I worked at the Library of Congress.  The Tune Inn reopened the day after I retired, which one of my friends pointed out was evidence of a conservation of tackiness principle at work, at least on Capitol Hill.

It’s a real neighborhood bar, and now that the Hawk and Dove is being transformed into a trendy bar, we need the Tune Inn more than ever.  I recently visited it with some of my former colleagues at the Library, and we couldn’t have picked a better place for conversation and camaraderie.  Long live the Tune Inn!

The Tune Inn is located at 331 Pennsylvania Ave SE, (between S 3rd St & S 4th St), Washington, DC 20003

Tune Inn Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Tune-Inn-Restaurant/121740594531787?sk=info

Check out this video from the Food Network’s “Diners, Drive-ins and Dives” at the Tune Inn: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S0Aeu5i8f9w

More photos of the interior:  http://www.flickr.com/photos/tackyjulie/sets/72157628442631385/