Cat Butt Towel Holder

This is the one of the more practical pieces of tackiness I have ever purchased. Last year, Bob and I got rid of our old refrigerator, and bought a new one with our wedding money (thanks, Mom and Pop Cantor!). The old one, though, had a handle that we could hang our dish towels from, but the new one does not. We tried using a hook for a while, but the towel kept slipping off. The cat butt towel holder works every time!

I could explain how it works, but as they say, a picture is worth a thousand words. This is also available in black, and they even have two versions in dog!

Cat Butt Towel Holder
(see it without the towel)

Purchased from Perpetual Kid

Beer Can Hat

Nothing says, "Alcohol is my life" like a beer can hat. Can't you just see Grandma crocheting this for her ne'er-do-well grandson?

This had has a particularly atrocious color scheme. Maybe it was the unfortunate consequence of a Halloween theme with someone's even more unfortunate choice of a favorite beer.

Read more about this execrable craft fad from the 1970s in stitchymcyarnpants.com

Beer can hat
Purchased at an antique store in Mt. Airy, Maryland
August 2008

Mayan Ass Incense Holder

I bought this in a souvenir shop that I was forced to stop at while on a bus ride to the Mayan ruins in Tulum, Mexico. This was after a 20-minute sales pitch by the tour guide about which was the best Mayan souvenir in the world, a book that supposedly had limestone covers.

Once in the shop, a cooler head prevailed, at least in me, and I searched for the tackiest souvenir in the store...that I could reasonable carry home. That eliminated the sculpture of the crucifixion with a scene of the Last Supper carved in the base. That's why I am now the proud owner of an Mayan ass incense holder.

Mayan ass incense holder
(or tooth pick holder; I didn't have an incense in the house).
Purchased in a souvenir shop somewhere between Playa del Carmen and Tulum, February 2008

Floaty Pen

Speaking of souvenirs, I am reminded of this nice little floaty pen given to me by Bill Schmidt. Floaty pens have little dioramas, in them, and usually something moves inside them when you tilt the pen.

Even Michelangelo isn't safe from this trifling artistic treatment. This example pictures his Pietà sliding across the room in St. Peter's Basilica in Vatican City.

Floaty pen of the Pietà
Souvenir of Vatican City
Gift of Bill Schmidt

Cat Ass Pencil Sharpener

I gave a pencil sharpener to my love...that sounds like the opening line of a romantic folk song.

What do you give someone who already owns in excess of 250 pencil sharpeners? I actually found one he didn't have already. And this one meows when you stick the pencil in. (Wouldn't you?)

The next best thing about this pencil sharpener, besides the sound effects, is that it collects the shavings in a litter box under the cat.

Cat Ass Pencil Sharpener
VIDEO (25 seconds)
The Robert Cantor Pencil Sharpener

Purchased from Perpetual Kid

We Took the Plunge!

Bob and I were married on November 17, 2007. We decided to commemorate the event in a unique and tacky way. After the toasts at the reception, we pulled this tacky treasure out of the box, and said in unison, "We took the plunge!"

Backyard re-enactment pending
wedding photographs

We Took the Plunge!
bathroom plunger with
clear plastic handle filled with rice, and a bride and groom on top
http://www.plungees.com

Hillary Nutcracker

I haven't heard anyone say that Hillary isn't tough enough to be President of the United States. That's why I think that whatever your position on the political spectrum, you've got to love the Hillary Nutcracker. She's got stainless steel thighs, and can crack the toughest nuts! What were you expecting, a teddy bear? Okay, I stole those last two lines from the packaging, but I couldn't help myself.

At least no one's saying any more, "We can't have a woman President!" People are just going to have to attack her on the issues. Hey, if a woman can screw up U.S. foreign policy as Secretary of State, then why not a female President?

Check out the video at www.hillarynutcracker.com. Also, the music video on YouTube is a must-see for both parties: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EuIw84Pc_84

Hillary Nutcracker
Purchased in October 2007
from
www.perpetualkid.com

Anatomically Correct Frogs?

I bought this pair on eBay, which were billed as "anatomically correct frogs." The unwary might buy them thinking that frogs come with the same sexual equipment that humans do. Rather than let the unknowing purchase these ceramic pals, thinking that these are a true representation of frogs' anatomy, I bought them myself. Well, they are darn cute, in a tacky sort of way.

Afterwards, I wondered what the underside of a frog might look like if the frog was actually a human prince under a spell?

A tip of the fez goes to Pete Marshall, who let me know of the existence of these tacky creatures.

Top side of the frogs

Underside of the frogs

Librarians Rule

Check out my tat! Here I am, modeling my
"Librarians Rule" temporary tattoo, while wearing the indigenous costume of my profession. Note the half glasses. I can assure you that I was also wearing sensible shoes.

I highly recommend the small booklet called "The Illustrated Librarian: Temporary Tattoos for Librarians and Book Lovers." I found it at Now and Then, a great shop in Takoma Park, Maryland. I was killing a little time before my book club meeting, at which we were to discuss a bit of Southern redneck literature entitled The Half-Mammals of Dixie, by George Singleton. It seemed only appropriate to have a tattooing session as part of the discussion. I had already bought RC Cola and moon pies for treats.

Ironically, there was one tattoo that was difficult to read from the booklet. It was in Gothic letters, and backwards so it would read correctly once it was applied to skin: "Literate 4 Life."

Skunk Ape Research Headquarters

A skunk ape is Florida's version of Big Foot. The "headquarters" was a regular tourist trap, basically a campground with a petting zoo. You can read more about the place at the Roadside America web site, where I do all my pre-travel research.

There were a few yellowed news clippings on the wall of the gift shop, and some amateurish sketches of what a skunk ape is supposed to look like. The peculiar thing was that the two guys running the place (who could have been characters in a Carl Hiaasen novel) never mentioned skunk apes the entire time we were there. We paid $3 a piece to visit the museum, which had alligators, turtles, parrots, and some old signs. But no skunk apes.

I bought this cool alligator puzzle as a souvenir. When a female alligator has babies, she keeps them this close for about three years of their lives, because gators are cannibals. Now that's tacky.

Gator Puzzle
purchased January 2007
at the Skunk Ape Research HQ
Ochopee, Florida

Saddam Hussein Cigarette Lighter

Check out this animated cigarette lighter made in Vietnam. When you flip the lid, the U.S. fighter jet unloads a bomb, as Saddam Hussein looks on. At the bottom of the lighter, under the blue explosion, you'll find a cryptic message from its makers: "Anxiety Peace We." I've had this for several months since acquiring it on eBay, and I still can't figure out what that means.

Mermaid Picks

The next best hostess aid for parties (after the Stop-Ice) is a box of mermaid picks. These cocktail forks are so practical, and politically incorrect to boot. There's nothing so chic as picking up your food with a naked mermaid cocktail fork. And think of the interesting and lively conversations you can have with your feminist friends while waving a piece of shrimp on a mermaid pick to emphasize your point!

In addition to spearing hors d'oeuvres, the mermaids are designed to hang on your glass. This brings me to ask the question: when you sip your drink, how do you keep the mermaid from hitting you in the face? Maybe someone needs to invent the Stop-Mermaid. Just a thought.

Mermaid Cocktail Forks
Washable and reusable!

More Mermaids

The Perfect Hostess Aid

Summer is the time for partying, both indoors and outdoors. At times like these, I like to reflect on what makes a great party. And so, I present to you the Perfect Hostess Aid.

I don't know how many times I've asked myself, when preparing to throw a party, "How will I ever keep the ice from hitting my guests in the teeth when they drink?" Now, I don't have to worry. Stop-Ice promises to be the perfect hostess aid. No more frozen lips! No more ice that slips! And, as it says on the box, "each colorful handle a distinctive drink marker."

I always thought the coaster was the perfect hostess aid, but I suppose if someone leaves their drink on your fine wood furniture, the Stop-Ice marker will let you know who to blame for the ring.

Stop-Ice
"The Perfect Hostess Aid"

Jesus Got Game

Thanks to CatholicShopper.com, you can buy one of these "Jesus inspirational sports statues" for your favorite young Catholic. Jesus is portrayed as just a regular guy playing twelve different sports, including baseball, hockey, soccer, basketball, karate, ballet, skiing, and so on. I picked the football statue because I was intrigued by the boy on the right trying to tackle Jesus. What's the penalty for roughing the Savior? Fifteen yards and a couple of years in Purgatory? If Jesus makes a forward pass, is it automatically a Hail Mary?

Jesus Playing Football
Sports inspiration statue available from CatholicShopper.com
Purchase, November 2002

Chairman Mao

This is the second most important thing that Ellen brought back from China this year. Not only does this cigarette lighter feature a picture of Chairman Mao, but when you open it, an electronic melody plays.

With the assistance of the Asian Division of the Library of Congress, I learned that the tune was once popular during the Cultural Revolution. Here's a sample of the lyrics:

The East is red, the sun has risen.
China has produced a Mao Zedong.
He works for the people's happiness;
He is the people´s savior.

There's a certain irony in the capitalist motivation of this sort of souvenir that would probably provoke the Chairman, were he alive. And of course a strong sense of irony is a key element of a tacky treasure.

Chairman Mao Cigarette Lighter
Arrived in the United States
on September 7, 2001
Courtesy of Ellen Liberman

Chickadeer

From across the room, I thought it looked a chicken with a deer's head. Up close, it's pretty much the same. I didn't know what to call it, so I asked my readers to come up with a name. I received two entries that I thought were the best, so I'm declaring them both winners. One of them, "Buck-'n-Wing," (sent in by Peter Fraissinet of New York) was so clever, I wished I thought of it myself. After all, I used to be the clogging mogul of Washington D.C. "Chickadeer" was sent in by Bob Cantor of Virginia, and I think it's the name I'll actually use for this object. The reason I like it better is because it's a word that (as far as I know) didn't previously exist. It rolls trippingly across the tongue, unlike some of the other entries. And, no, it has nothing to do with the fact that Bob is my boyfriend. Any suggestion otherwise is just plain tacky.

Here are the other suggestions I received: Cluck-aBuck, bambeagle (bambi eagle?), dickens, dickhens, Buck Hen, Buck Dancin' Chickin', Foghorn Headhorn, deerken, buckle, buckey-buck/turkey cross, deeicken (pronounced like Dick-en), elkeagle, elk-eagle, deagle, PegaDeerasis, and Buckaroodooldo.

Chickadeer
Figurine
Purchased at Second Hand Rose
Rockville, Maryland

The Perfect Gift

Looking for the Perfect Gift for Christmas, Hanukkah, or Saturnalia? I got this tacky gem for my recent [age withheld] birthday.

Just so you know, if the box top says "The Perfect Gift" on it, it's kind of a dead giveaway that there's a gag gift inside...not that I mind.

The Perfect Gift - Anatomically Correct Male & Female Toothbrushes
Gift of Kevin Enoch and Kate Brett, November 2005

Support Our Pants

Throughout our nation, thousands of pairs of pants are worn for one simple reason: to uphold the decency of our citizens. Where would we be, decency-wise, if people ran around with their pants around their ankles, or worse, without any pants at all? But pants alone can't solve the problem. They need help. They need belts. Put this ribbon one the back of your vehicle, and everyone will know that what you stand for: properly worn pants and ironic humor, just like me.

Support Our Pants
Magnetic Ribbon
Available from www.stickergiant.com

It's not bacon...

...it's an adhesive bandage! I got these at Pulp on the Hill, which is a block away from my office.

I only used one of these because my co-workers had such a negative reaction to them. I had a boo-boo on the top of my wrist, the perfect place to show off a bandage. I felt like a five year old again. But the reaction was not what I expected. From a distance, it looked like I had a huge gash on my arm. After the third person exclaimed, "Oh my God! What happened to you?" I had to switch to a more conventional bandage. (Not really...the only other kind I had in my desk has Jesus's face all over them.)

I came up with a good use for the bandages that I will never again use on my body. I've been in my new cubicle since mid-May, and hadn't put my name up. So, I spelled it out in bacon. Come by and see it if you are ever at the Library of Congress.

Bacon Strips
Adhesive Bandages
Purchased October 2005
at Pulp on the Hill

Shopping, Anyone?

This is one of those tacky treasures that makes a liberal feminist like myself shake my head and say, "we really have come a long way, baby."

Out of the sixteen different figures in this series of dolls from the 1960s, not one of these "Campus Cuties" is holding a book! In addition to this one, "Shopping, Anyone?" the names of the figures include "Dinner for Two," "Lazy Afternoon," "A Touch of Mink," and "Nitey Nite." If you want to see them all, check out this website: http://www.scrubbles.net/cc.html

You won't find any of these delicate young things "Cracking the Books," "Applying for Grad School," "Waiting Tables to Pay for Tuition," or "Marching for Women's Rights."

I'd be surprised to see this cutie with a backpack full of college textbooks. With two notable exceptions, everything about her is so tiny and frail, that the weight would probably snap her in two. But then in 1964, we were not supposed to believe a woman went to school for an actual education, were we?

Campus Cutie
"Shopping, Anyone?"
Manufactured by Louis Marx
& Co., Inc, 1964
Purchased February 2004 at
Mount Rainier Antiques,
Thrift, and Salvage

Form Before Multi-function

This combination lamp/clock/cigarette lighter is multi-tasking its little heart out. From the Venetian blind shade down to the working cigarette lighter in the receiver, all its features still work (and I've got a burn in my palm to prove it). The only thing it doesn't do is function as a telephone. This wonderful lamp is the antithesis of the major tenet of Bauhaus design: form follows function. This one's got great form, but its function ran off into three different directions.

Multi-function lamp, clock,
and cigarette lighter
Purchased at Fireside Antiques,
Bowie, Maryland
January 2003

Lung Ashtray

Years ago, I saw a pink one of these in a Salvation Army thrift store, and I passed it up. This was long before I got the idea to create Julie's Tacky Treasures. Ever since I choose to become a maven of tackiness, I've longed for another chance to have a lung ashtray. And now, thanks to eBay, my dream is fulfilled.

The funny thing is that back when I first saw the lung ashtray, I didn't know that it was produced to educate people about the dangers of smoking. It was not in its original box, otherwise, I would have noticed this message:

SURGEON GENERAL'S CERAMICS WARNING: The Anatomically Correct Ashtray Causes Those Who See It to Think Twice. Thinking Twice Does not Cause Lung Cancer, Emphysema, Or Complicate Pregnancy.

Artistic Key Rings

I suppose anyone could call themselves an artist, and that's probably what this manufacturer was counting on. It doesn't look like it worked according to plan...none of the key rings on this display board seems to have been sold. That is, until I decided to buy it in its entirety.

These "artistic key rings" fall into a new category that I have been thinking about: grossly overstated claims. It is less a the product of a naïve mind, but rather, a cynical one. It brings to mind the song made somewhat popular in the 1970s by R. Crumb and His Cheap Suit Serenaders, "Fine Artiste Blues."

When I quit my job, I spent three months in bed,
Thought I'd take up fine art painting instead
Got myself a canvas and a bottle of paint
Five minutes work is going to make me a saint.

Baby I'm a fine artiste
And maybe I deserve to be kissed.

Artistic Key Rings
Purchased in December 2004
from Pophouse.com

Is it art?
You decide!

The Pocket Pub

Look at all the happy guys in the picture on the box. They're all wearing the most fashionable accessory since the pocket protector. This drink holder, which attaches to the breast pocket of a man's shirt, allows a guy to have his drink near to his heart while playing guitar, shaking hands, or eating at buffet table. Truly a marvel of its time, which appears to be roughly 1950.

Here is the manufacturer's charming explanation of the pocket pub:

"Ever feel the need for a third hand? It is no longer 'Where's your drink?' -- it is 'wear your drink!' Want to dig in with both hands at the buffet table? Try the Pocket Pub. It fits neatly in your jacket pocket or even on your belt, and leaves your hands free. The holder can easily be personalized with greetings such as 'Hi there, I'm Skippy'."

But all is not as happy as it seems, as I discovered when I tried this product for myself. The weight of the glass alone makes it rather unwieldy, and I could just image the disaster that might occur if the glass was full of liquid! Not only that, but there is an anatomical reason that there are no women pictured on the box using the Pocket Pub.

The Pocket Pub
Glass and plastic
Acquired at a flea market in Hagerstown, Maryland

Tiki Tacky

The saying is supposed to be "You can pick your friends, but you are stuck with your relatives." Oh, yeah? Well, it is with the greatest of pride that I announce that my mother picked out this tacky treasure.

I looked in vain for yellow or green tissue to fill this dispenser. I suppose that there is some tasteful reason for this. This whole tastefully correct thing is getting out of hand.

I may have to start working on my T.V. concept, "Tacky Eye for the Tasteful Guy."

Tiki Tissue Dispenser
Gift of Pauline B. Mangin
January 2004

Maybe this will make you quit

Seeing a cigarette coming out of a donkey's butt should make any smoker reconsider their dirty habit. This wonderful tacky treasure might very well be the prototype of the mass-produced donkey cigarette dispenser available through such stores as Archie McPhee.

Lacking the proper provenance to prove that this is the prototype of the famous donkey, I hesitate to take this object with me to Antiques Road Show. However, even as a bit of folk art, it's rather charming (to me, at least). It was lovingly carved from plywood, sanded, and stained. It works with precision, as proved in this photograph.

Donkey cigarette dispenser
Plywood, with spring-action neck
Donkey in action
Acquired at Emmitsburg
Antique Mall
September 2002

Snake Bite Kit

What I don't get about this object is the ballerina. When it was purchased, the music box didn't work. This created some mystery around the object. What tune could it possibly play, that would thematically pull together the elements of the snake bite kit? Since I took it with me to a fiddlers convention in Mt. Airy, North Carolina, it occurred to me that someone might compose an appropriate fiddle tune, perhaps called "Snake Bit the Ballerina" or "The Ballerina and the Dreadful Snake" or "Ballerina's Drunk and the Fun's All Over."

Eventually, I found someone at the festival who is mechanically inclined and who fixed the music box so I could hear the tune. "Little Brown Jug" was more of a disappointment than a revelation. But isn't a lot of life like that?

"For Snake Bite"
Ceramic jug with stopper,
music box and ballerina
Purchased at Chic's Antiques,
Floyd, Virginia
Spotted by SueEllen Lawton
on June 5, 2002

Top(less) Tacky Treasure

At this writing, in June of 2002, I would have to say that this is now the tackiest thing I own. I still can't believe it is mine. I stare at wonder at the "perkiness" of these breasts, and am rendered speechless at the utter tastelessness of the entire object. That quality (or lack thereof) alone merits the designation of this object as a tacky treasure. Amazingly, this only took second place in the 2002 Tacky Treasures Road Show. See the first place winner, a bed pan banjo, farther down on this page.

Salt and pepper shakers
Painted ceramic with three
strategically placed red rhinestones
Gift of Pat Gill
May 2002

Japanese Jewelry Box

This is the object in my personal possession that I would most like to take on "Antiques Road Show." I imagine Leigh and Leslie Keno telling me, in their kindest tones, and in stereo, "This is what we call in the antique trade a 'piece of crap,' and if it were to come up at auction, it would fetch approximately diddley squat."

The cool thing about it is that when you look into the mirrors on the left, you can see yourself in the TV screen. Really! The white knob is an on/off switch for the music box which plays "Für Elise." It's almost like a real TV! Honest.

Japanese jewelry box
shaped like a television set
Wood, enamel, plastic, and
pink velvet (interior)
Acquired in 1999 from an
antique store in Gaithersburg

Salt and Pepper Shakers

Aren’t salt and pepper shakers supposed to improve the taste of food? Then why is it that so many shakers are in such poor taste?

Not just any set of outhouse salt and pepper shakers qualifies as a tacky treasure. When they come with helpful instructions such as "Fill-er up with P" and "Fill-er up with S," then they go beyond your usual outhouse cliché. Even without the information that the shaker is "full of P," why would anyone take something that looks like an outhouse and shake its contents on one's food? It is the explicitness of the gag (pun intended) that makes it, for me, a tacky treasure.

Surely the only thing that would make these tackier is to have the outhouse doors open to show a guy in overalls who turns and squirts you. But then, where would you put the salt and pepper?

You can find more tasteless salt and pepper shakers in "Salt and Pepper Shakers I'll Never Use."

West Virginia Souvenir
Salt and Pepper Shakers
Wood, shellac, and paint
Acquired in 1999 from Hess Furniture in Harrisonburg, Virginia

Outhouse Salt and Pepper Shakers
Acquired September 14, 2002
Elkins (West Virginia) Flea Market
Gift of Jan Westervelt

Outhouse Salt-and-Pepper Shakers
Acquired September 11, 2002
Emmitsburg (Maryland)
Antique Mall

"You want fries with that?"

I walked into a McDonald's wearing this button, ordered a cheeseburger, and that's what the guy behind the counter said to me. Corporate friendliness is a scary thing.

This is a perfect example of the deliberate flaunting of poor taste as a rebellion against established norms in society.

Ronald McDonald™ button
Metal and plastic
Purchased at the Takoma Park Folk Festival circa 1983

Oh, Deer.

I took a picture of this lamp in an antique store in Alexandria, Virginia in March 2002. It has since been sold, and according to the proprietor, they were glad to see it go. I have no idea if the purchaser paid the full asking price, but I sure wouldn't. It's not that I couldn't afford to buy it. Let's just say that $115.00 is about what I'd expect them to pay me to take it off their hands. So, I shot this deer with my trusty Nikon Coolpix 880. It seemed more humane.

As if the photorealistic lamp shade isn't tacky enough, the base of the lamp is made of three (not four) deer hooves. What I would like to know is, how long did that hunter wait in the cold for a three-legged deer to come along?

Three-legged deer lamp
Potomac West Interiors,
corner of Mt. Vernon Avenue and
Monroe Street,
Alexandria, Virginia

Bed Pan Banjo

This one's a tacky treasure because in spite of its appearance, it's actually playable. A truly versatile instrument, this banjo can play the blues, old-time, and bluegrass, as proven by its owner, Cathy Fink. Better yet, it's handy when you're in a festival jam session that's too far from the portable toilets.

This was the star of the 2002 Tacky Treasures Road Show, just barely edging out the breast salt and pepper shakers.

Bed pan banjo
Wood, plastic, and steel strings
Constructed by Art Thieme
First Place Winner in the
Tacky Treasures Road Show
Entered by Cathy Fink, May 2002

Vomitometer

Here's a fascinating piece of scientific instrumentation: the vomitometer. I did a cursory search of Google for the word, and only found instances of people using "vomitometer" in a metaphorical sense. Who know there really was such a thing? John Schwab, that's who. He discovered it in the surplus equipment room of a government agency that shall remain unnamed.

Enlarge the picture by clicking on it, and try not to gag.

The Vomitometer
Courtesy of John Schwab