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Tacky Treasures Road Show 2012

Intro - Winners - Prizes - Also Rans

The Tacky Treasures Road Show is modeled after the PBS program "Antiques Roadshow," except that in this case the question the appraiser always asks is, "Do you have any idea how tacky this is?" I love the sound of that, so I do it every year.

Once again, I managed to convince forty odd people -- I mean forty-odd people -- to come to my house for this year's Tacky Treasures Road Show. It was another rousing success. Kitsch, tackiness, or just plain bad taste abounded and was celebrated and rewarded. We had two highly qualified judges this year. Jeff Chumley won first place in last year's competition with his most amazing entry, a painting found in an antique store which he has named, "The Naked Ladies Dulcimer Society." Bill Schmidt is an artist and professor, but what really qualified him to be a judge was the fact that he was the person who introduced me to the Hampden neighborhood of Baltimore.

There were thirty entries. Two of them had to be emailed in at the last minute, and were shown to the judges on an iPad. Alas, they did not win. There's no requirement that you be present to win, but I think it does help if you are there to defend your choices. The judges' decision is final, and I think they did an excellent job, not only in their deliberations, but in their willingness to risk infamy in the furtherance of tackiness.

This show would be nothing if not for the enthusiastic participants who enter the competition. There was stiff competition for the five prizes, and as far as I'm concerned, anyone who didn't win can rightfully say, "I came in sixth."

I also want to thank, and give due credit, to everyone who sent me photographs.

Key to the photographers' codes on the photos: BS = Barbara (Mangin) Steele; ES = Ellen Schwab; JC = Jennifer Cutting; JM = Julie Mangin; LJ = Linda Gorozdos Julien; LR = Liz Roll; MG = Margaret Gonglewski; NG = Neil Gladd; RE = Rita Elsner; SR = Susan Rosen.

The Winners

First Place: Helping Hands Party Top

I thought these were completely in poor taste, and yet a real crowd-pleaser, especially among the guys in attendance. And since both the judges were men, I'm not surprised that it came out on top, if you'll pardon the pun.

Jennifer did a great job of modeling the party top, which didn't hurt its chances in the contest. However, I have to point out that she didn't do it in the way it was recommended on the package, that is, with nothing on underneath. On the other hand, we do try to keep the road show firmly in PG-13 territory.

While I'm on the subject of the package, that alone merited a tacky rating. Not only are the photos cheesy, but the grammar is atrocious. The product is billed as "The Party Hit That Shows Off You're [sic] Tits." Where was the quality control team? Why, working on the quality of the product itself! It does seem to be a durable "party top," as I have seen Jennifer wear it on more than one occasion, not the least of which was one of my retirement luncheons.

Second Place: Boar's Head Soup Tureen

Am I going to have to start a category called, "Soup Tureens I'll Never Have Soup in"? I already have "Salt and Pepper Shakers I'll Never Use" and "Mugs I'll Never Drink Out Of" so I suppose this was inevitable.

Chris reports that he acquired this from the late, great folksinger Helen Schneyer, when he used to rent a room from her in the 1980s. So, it comes with great provenance, but I'm still not going to have any soup in it. No word on whether Chris has ever used it as an actual serving piece.

Third Place: Because of You Statuette

This lovely statuette of a nearly naked pregnant woman stands on a pedestal inscribed with the phrase, "Because of You." Such a lovely sentiment! It belongs on the desk, mantle, or dashboard of any deserving baby daddy, don't you think?

In primitive times, you didn't come right out and say, "Dude, you got me knocked up." The proper way to inform the expectant father was to go to the nearest tree, chop it down, and get out your whittlin' knife. Only after you had created an explicit and strangely phallic looking object, you would present it to him (in person of course), accompanying it with a knowing smile.

Fourth Place: "God Bless Our Camper" decorative plate

This lovely decorative plate acknowledges the place a camper holds in the hearts of, well, campers. We've all seen them at bluegrass festivals, national parks, and demolition derbies. This plate lends them a bit of class, don't you think?

Somehow, I imagine this plate as only one of a series which includes, "God Bless Our Double-Wide," "God Bless Our Bass Boat," and "God Bless Our Cardboard Box."

Fifth Place: Beach Shell Lamp

Shell art is by definition tacky, but this one ramps it up a notch. Isn't the natural beauty of a shell enough? No, they had to paint the rather large star fish an awful orange, and then cover a scallop shell with blue glitter.

Bob entered this as The "It's the next best thing to actually being at the beach" Accent Lamp. It's not enough that it was painted and glittered into tackiness, Bob had to drench it in irony, too.

Honorable Mention: Table Prayers Toaster

This little toy toaster can sit on your table next to the salt and pepper shakers. It comes with little cardboard slices of toast, with different prayers on them for saying grace before meals. You load them up in the toaster. When you hit the button, a single slice of prayer pops up.

There's no adjustment for the lightness or darkness of the toast, but it doesn't matter. They always pop up just perfectly.

The Prizes

The winners were invited to reach into the prize bag, in order of their rank in the contest. Therefore, the prizes were:

• 1st place, Borrow My Pen - pens with humorous slogans
• 2nd place, Yummypockets pizza zippered case
• 3rd place: Weirdo Glasses
• 4th place, White-Trash Roundup card game
• 5th place, Tacky Maryland souvenir plate

The Also-Rans

Children playing games entered by Linda Julien (LJ) These kids look like they are up to no good. I guess they are just playing leapfrog. When I first saw this figurine from a distance, I did a double-take, until I realized that with the girl in the back, it wasn't as bad as it looked.	Cool your hot butt in my old tub entered by Fred Julien (SR) In the background, you can see Fred's other entry, an Easter cross made of chocolate. This belongs in my category "Ash Trays I'll Never Put My Smoke Out In."
Freudian slippers entered by Lynda Folwick (NG) Comfy slippers and punny, too. The funniest thing happens when you put them on...your foot goes into a red pocket that makes his tongue, and you can wiggle it around with your toes.	Yellow mustard and marshmallow creme dip for French fries entered by Neil Gladd (NG) Inspired by this video "Looks Terrible - Tastes Great." Watch it! I'm serious; it's hilarious. And the dip was more of a "harminous mixter" than I dreamed possible.
Skeleton bottle cap cross entered by Jean Buergler (JM) A cross made of bottle caps with images of skeletons in them. And not just any skeletons...there's a Mona Lisa skeleton, and an Our Lady of Guadeloupe skeleton, and much more. See a close-up of the cross to see what I mean.	Skeleton bottle cap cross entered by Jean Buergler (SR) Compared to the Roman Catholicism that I grew up with, I find the Latino version rather magical, and at times, scary. Here I am, trying to scare the audience with the skeleton bottle cap cross.
Jesus corkscrew and bottle opener entered by Julie Mangin (JM) The Jesus Corkscrew and Bottle Opener is a tacky treasure in the same way the Popener is a tacky treasure.  About the Popener, I said, “It is the perfect blend of a figure of eminence with a mundane item of everyday utility.”  It’s that ironic juxtaposition which made it a tacky treasure.  Well, who could be more eminent than Jesus Christ? >> Read more about it	Hokie Pokie Sound Machine entered by Julie Mangin (JM) This is the worst-designed phonograph record player I have ever seen, and yet as soon as I found out about it, I knew I had to have one.  It is so ridiculous, it makes me laugh just thinking of it.  A conventional record player has a turntable on which the record sits, and the stylus or needle is drawn across it.  The Hokie Pokie Sound Machine has the record sitting on a flat surface, and the stylus is on the bottom of a little plastic truck that drives over the grooves! >> Read more about it
"I love Qatar" scarf entered by Sandy Bostian (JC) This scarf features the Emir of Qatar and the crown prince, accompanied by the words, "I love Qatar" in both English and Arabic.	Hangover Monkey liquor decanter entered by Susan Rosen (SR) This is a liquor decanter in the shape of a monkey with a tear in its eye and a gun to its head. It's also a music box that plays "How Dry I Am." Lovely sentiment.
Emily Post Popularity Game entered by Linda Julien (LJ) As far as I can tell, this game teaches you the value of being likable, though shallow.	Boozy Poodle Parade entered by Abbie Grotke and Denis Malloy (SR) Another liquor dispenser.
Neil Gladd, Steve Winick, Jennifer Cutting, and Bill Schmidt observe the festivities (SR) As you can see, Bill took his judging responsibility seriously.	Handerpants entered by Jumahl (SR) Tighty whitey underpants for your hands...I know, it doesn't make sense to me either. Check out their website.
Green fiddle entered by Bob McCluskie (BS) Bob McCluskie, of McCluskie Violins, made this fiddle and then stained it green. You've heard the phrase, "Old-time music; better than it sounds." Well this fiddle sounds WAY better than it looks.	St. Rita lenticular holy card ("before" on the left and "after" on the right) entered by Rita Elsner (RE) Look at the card straight on, and you see Saint Rita praying, "Lord let me suffer as you did." Tilt the card, and you see Saint Rita receiving the stigmata of the crown of thorns on her head. Be careful what you pray for.
Barbara Steele wearing "Problem Child" hat entered by Barbara Steele (BS) I'm not trying to say that she is a tacky treasure herself, but my sister Barbara is the first of my siblings to attend a Tacky Treasures Road Show. She even brought her husband, Dennis. Remarkable, and much appreciated.	Starboobs coffee mug entered by Rita Elsner (RE) And made by Rita, too, at a pottery studio.
36-foot yacht entered by Liz Roll (LR)	Gun totin' black fetus Christmas ornament entered by Liz Roll (LR) Purchased from MissPoppy.com (sadly, now defunct).
Executive elephant snout pencil holder entered by Bob Cantor (JM) If only it were a pencil sharpener, instead of a pencil holder.	Always use protection! t-shirt entered by Neil Gladd (SR) The graphic on the shirt is the copyright symbol on a condom package. It was worn all evening by an actual Copyright Office employee.
Not pictured: Roller Derby vomit bag (Susan Chumley) Tacky birthday card, "Sending you a big ass kiss" with the picture of a big ass with lips (Barbara Steele) Porn for women of a certain age (Jackie Hoglund)

My Fabulous Attire

Shoes make the outfit, don't you think? (SR)
(SR)	(BS)
That's all, folks!