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Tacky Treasures Road Show 2015

Intro - Winners - Prizes - Also Rans

The Tacky Treasures Road Show is modeled after the PBS program "Antiques Roadshow," except that in this case the question the appraiser always asks is, "Do you have any idea how tacky this is?" I love the sound of that, so I do it every year.

This year's road show took place on March 28, 2015 at the Silver Spring B&O Train Station. No longer used as a railroad station, it has been restored (by Montgomery Preservation, Inc.) to look as it did in 1945, complete with ticket booth, lockers, phone booth, and a waiting room with comfy benches.

There were 27 entries, a few more than last year. This was the first year that a performance was entered into the competition. More on that later, but let's just say that it almost turned the event into the Tacky Treasures TOAD Show.

A big thanks goes to this year's judges, who were: Denis Malloy and Mark Lynch. While they made their deliberations, I displayed the five prizes. I was so glad that I was able to get rid of -- I mean find some things in my collection worthy of serving as prizes in the road show.

This show would be nothing if not for the enthusiastic participants who enter the competition. There was stiff competition for the five prizes, and as far as I'm concerned, anyone who didn't win can rightfully say, "I came in sixth." I also want to thank, and give due credit, to everyone who sent me photographs for this report.

I would also like to thank all those who contributed to the donation bucket. I recovered more than half of what I spent to rent the station, which is a big help. Again, THANK YOU!

Key to the photographers' codes on the photos: BC = Bob Cantor; EB = eBay; EW = Ellen Walsh; JM = Julie Mangin; LR = Liz Roll; MS = Mark Sachs; NG = Neil Gladd.

The Winners

First Place: The Frogs of Windham

The Frogs of Windham is an 1891 operetta that is tacky on so many levels, I immediately recognized it as a tacky treasure. Here are just three of the ways this work was tacky:

First, the operetta concerns a tacky story from Connecticut's colonial past, about a town that was frightened by strange sounds in the nightime. Some of the men shot their muskets to scare off what were thought to be native Americans who were about to attack the town (this happened in 1754, during the French and Indian War). Others thought that the noises were a harbinger of impending doom and fell to their knees, praying and wailing. The next morning, after the noises had subsided and the sun had come up, some intrepid citizens headed to the edge of town to investigate, only to find that it had just been a battle of frogs at a local pond. From that day forward, the citizens of Windham were the butt of jokes about the incident.

However, as the years went on, they came to embrace the story as a proud symbol of their town, as evidenced by this 1891 operetta. It was last performed in 1983, in what was described as "a director's nightmare," in an article in the New York Times. Even as recently as 2000, a bridge in Windham, which crosses the Willimantic River, was adorned with four eleven-foot sculptures of frogs, sitting atop spools (Windham is also known as "Thread City," once being the home of the American Thread Company).

The second thing I find tacky about it is how Burton E. Leavitt (a student at Yale) and his father, Nason W. Leavitt (a vaudeville performer and newspaper publisher) found this tacky story worthy of operatic treatment. I can't speak to the quality of music (there are no known recordings of the entire operetta, go figure), but the plot is formulaic and unimaginative (the frog story wasn't enough, so a romantic subplot of a predictable nature was also added). However, it is the libretto -- the words of the operetta -- which is truly tacky. It's not just the labored rhyming:

     ALL:  Was that all? Capt -- well that's enough
     The noise they made was awful.

     Col. Dyer:
     Well, I'll not go back on my word,
     although their croaking were unlawful.

It's also that the text is rife with horrific stereotyping of various ethnic groups. For the road show, I cleaned up much of the characterizations and the dialect, as much to make it easier to perform as it was to be more politically correct.

The third tacky thing about this operetta is the way it was performed for the road show. With absolutely no experience directing an opera, I solicited a group of friends to put on a 10-minute portion of the work for the Tacky Treasures Road Show audience. With only one rehearsal, the actors, singers, and musicians put on a pretty good show, which got a lot of laughs, some unintentional. Hey, we knew it was tacky before we staged it. A highlight of the show was the frog ballet, performed by Bob Cantor and Carolee Rand.

Some may think that it is tacky that I won first place in my own contest, but it isn't the first time. In this case, however, I can't claim all the glory. Here's a list of those who helped put on The Frogs of Windham. Thank you, everyone!

Actors: Abbie Grotke, Liz Madden, Neil Orlando, Julie Mangin (servants); Carolee Rand and Bob Cantor (frogs); Jeff Chumley (Col. Dyer); Susan Chumley (Capt. Follett); Linda Julien (Parson White); Liz Roll and Fred Julien (soldiers);

Musicians (a.k.a., the Tacky Treasures Orchestra): Neil Gladd on mandolin, Denis Malloy on bass clarinet.

Singers: (a.k.a., the Tacky Treasures Chorus): Betsy Fulford, soprano; Greg Scholtz, baritone.

 

Second Place: Jolly Pecker

It's a wind-up dancing pecker. What more can I say? I was with Bob when he bought it, in a cheesy tourist gift shop on the strip in Las Vegas. The package assures the buyer that the Jolly Pecker will be the life of the party, and that he should buy several so he could race "these macho men."

If you want to see the Jolly Pecker in action, all you have to do is Google "jolly pecker video." This is the one I particularly like, because it looks like it was produced in a dark alley. It has a low-budget porn vibe to it, which adds to the tackiness. Enjoy! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9bdUpGUCS4

Third Place: Internet Urinal

Billed as "Your personal IP address," the Internet Urinal makes it possible for the digitally-obsessed to stay online continuously, without runs to the bathroom. It comes with a "handy female adapter," which I think is absolutely great! I mean it...because in their tackiness, the manufacturers of this product have at least taken into account both genders. In a small way, this is a feminist victory. However, it is still tacky.

Fourth Place: Inflatable Wild Swan

Abbie said she wouldn't have known what this product was for if she hadn't Googled the only English words on the package "Inflatable Wild Swan." That led her to a video of someone using the product. I don't know what motivated this guy to make such a video, but I thank him.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2gTkr8dLuo (skip to 1:40 if you're in a hurry to see how it is used)

Don't forget to look at the instructions for using this product, which appear to be modeled by a dirty old man with a hole in one of his socks.

Fifth Place: The Game of Compatibility

Having trouble in your relationship? Before you head for a couples counselor, maybe you would like to try solving your problems with a board game.

Players wind their way around the board; pick cards from categories such as "sex," "domestic issues," "children," etc.; and use hand-held dials to indicate their feelings. This does not sound like a game; it sounds like work!

This game came out in 1974, a hot bed of sensitivity and consciousness raising. So, it's not surprising that a game company (which no longer appears to be in business) decided to cash in on the trends. Tacky!

The Prizes

The winners, in order of their rank in the contest, were invited to select from the array of prizes.

• 1st place, Crap Souvenirs book, featuring four items from my own collection
• 2nd place, Decorative pig plate
• 3rd place, Nana's Boobies and Beer Holder
• 4th place, St. Clare, Patron Saint of Television
• 5th place, Frog Hat (not the one used in the play, which is http://www.ebay.com/itm/291423075146)

The Also-Rans

There were many other great entries, not all of which I could include here. These were among the best for which I received photos. Comments in quotes were written on the registration card for the item, by the person entering it.

Souvenir of Texas Salt and Pepper Shaker (EW) entered by Ellen Walsh "purchased at 2014 Gold Rush Days in Oronoco, MN"	Uke Your Guts Out T-Shirt (LR) Made and entered by Fred Julien Fred made two, for Julie and Bob. Julie wants to know if the XXL was intended for her.
Last Place Champs bowling trophy (JM) entered by Bob Cantor I have been looking at this tacky trophy in our shared office for years. This year, I urged Bob to enter it. It didn't win, but I still like it. Bob's happy because his "Jolly Pecker" won.	Happy Face Condom (MS) entered by Mark Sachs I love the irony that this looks like an innocent little lollipop until you realize that it's actually a rolled-up condom. Mark runs the Smile Face Museum. Read an article about it in Buzz Feed.
3-D men's magazine (NG) (Center pages require 3-D glasses) entered by Neil Gladd This entry might have been more impressive if we'd had some 3-D glasses on hand.	Der Fuehrer's Face sheet music (EB) entered by Neil Gladd Maybe you've heard this song recorded by Spike Jones. This sheet music, published in 1942, is even more tacky.
Mr. Henry, a.k.a. Sexy Rex hamster singing "I'm too sexy" (LR) entered by Laurie Ekstrand https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGwGc3K2v4M	Fabulous Watch (NG) entered by Liz Stevens Here's a watch that would fit in at any Mardi Gras celebration. It would also go well with Liz's entry last year, a fabulously gaudy Mexican festival skirt.
Ape Painting by St. Charles (LR) entered by Liz Roll "Found in an abandoned school in DC -- had to avoid cops and meth cookers! Worth it? I think so." The painting looks like it's signed by an artist named St. Charles, but I couldn't help thinking that St. Charles might actually be the name of the ape.	Bud Light Mardi Gras Beer Cozy (JM) entered by Jumahl I love the jingly bells on this. Two things are tacky about this: 1.) Bud Light is a tacky beer choice. 2.) The beer that is in the cozy in the photo is Sierra Nevada's pilsner called "Nooner." Great beer; tacky name.

Also entered were:

• Record by Iglu and Hartly, Violent and Young (Sheila Newman)
• I Kissed a Republican Gum (Jennifer Marill)
• Indian-Themed Bank (Barbara Steele)
• Flamingos (Mark Lynch and Judith French)
• Frog Ballet Costume (Carolee Rand)
• Eskimo Family "Inuits, received as a Christmas gift from a tacky friend." (Liz Roll)
• Bend over box, made by Ellen Schwab (Carolee Rand)
• Banjo Joe sculpture (Mark Lynch)
• Senior Moment in Progress Mug "not funny any more" (Jane Gorbaty)
• Chocolate-covered matzoh (Jane Gorbaty)
• Clown music box (Judith French)

That's all folks!