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Tacky Treasures Road Show 2019

Intro - Winners - Also Rans

It's considered tacky to discuss the following in public: sex, religion, politics, and bodily functions. Being that this was the Tacky Treasures Road Show, we showed poor taste in all four ways. It's what we do.

This year's road show took place on March 30, 2019 at the Silver Spring B&O Train Station. There were 33 fabulously tacky entries and about 40 attendees.

Before presenting the winners and the also-rans, I'd like to thank the following:

• Our judges, Jerry McCoy and Chris Romaine,
• Everyone who contributed to the donation basket, and
• The entire audience, whose participation in the shenanigans is what makes the Tacky Treasures Road Show so special.

Key to the photographers' codes on the photos: BC=Bob Cantor; LR=Liz Roll; Photos not marked were taken by Julie Mangin.

The Winners

First Place: Flossie's Pussy

The best tacky treasures have a good story to go with them. This painting was a gift from the artist to Abbie's stepfather Jim's stepmother Flossie. Are you with me so far? What the cat's name is, I don't know. In any case, Jim's sister thought the painting was creepy. (I do, too, as a matter of fact. The cat reminds me of Ron Perlman in "Beauty and the Beast," the TV show from the late 1980s.)

According to Abbie, Jim enjoyed terrorizing his sister by hanging the painting in guest rooms when she was visiting, or or taking it on trips with them to vacation rentals and surprising her with it there.

Abbie recently acquired it because her mother and stepfather are downsizing. They thought it was time to pass this heirloom to the next generation. Their loss is our tacky gain.

For first prize, Abbie & Denis chose the Enchanted Forest souvenir plate.

Second Place: Blue Boy, Pink Flamingo and Raccoon

If you attended last year's Tacky Treasures Road show (or read last year's report) you may remember the Blue Boy of Derwood, an art student's attempt to copy Gainsborough's Blue Boy. Bob couldn't resist adding characters to the painting and entering the results of his work in this year's contest.

I asked him "Why a raccoon?" to which he replied, "Why not a raccoon?" Then I realized I hadn't even questioned the presence of a pink flamingo. As Chico Marx might have asked, "Why not a chicken?"

Third Place: Taco Costume

I bought this taco costume at Value Village in Hillandale. It was a big hit in my neighborhood on Halloween night, with both the children and the adults. I knew I wanted to enter it into the Tacky Treasures Road Show, but was in a quandary about how to model it. I couldn't do it myself without taking a costume break in the middle of the show. Fortunately, Carolee agreed to model the taco costume for me.

For some reason, she also felt that it needed something extra, like a hat that looked like lettuce. Beggars can't be choosers, so I told her, "Sure, knock yourself out." I didn't see what the lettuce hat looked out until Carolee walked out on stage with it at the show. It looked more like the Creature from the Black Lagoon than shredded lettuce. However, when I learned from where she had gotten her idea, it began to make more sense.

Carolee was inspired by a taco costume she saw in an episode of "Tacos of Texas" on PBS. I didn't know there was such a thing as taco journalism, but if you're curious, watch this video of San Antonio: Puffy Tacos (Tacos of Texas Episode 4). Advance it to 4:07 if you just want to see a taco costume that is way better than the one I entered in the road show. At 5:50, you can see it dance!

Fourth Place: Grand Canyon Cake from White Trash Cooking

Bonnie put a lot of work into her entry. She could have simply entered the book, White Trash Cooking by Ernest Matthew Mickler, and left it at that. However, Bonnie went the extra mile, creating one of the more bizarre and complicated recipes from it.

First, she had to bake four layers in different colors, the better to represent the colorful rock walls at the Grand Canyon. After directing the cook to cover the cake completely with frosting, the recipe takes a step into tacky immortality:

"...take 2 big forks and stick them in the middle of the top of the cake and force on it until it cracks open and you can see all the colored layers. Now pour your whiskey sauce into the crack and let the cake absorb it."

But wait, it's not done yet! The recipe goes on to say:

"This is a wonderful treat for someone that's going to, or just got back from vacationing at, the Grand Canyon. It's also very educational for children."

Bonnie selected for her prize the book, Bizarre Books, by Russell Ash and Brian Lake.

Fifth Place: Victorian Clown Doll

Kaycee found this creepy clown doll at the Savers in Baltimore. She wasn't able to make it to the Tacky Treasures Road Show, but she felt so sure this was a winner, she mailed it to me prior to the show.

From the neck down, it's a doll in a Victorian gown adorned with lace and flowers. From the neck up, it's a clown with a red nose and garish orange hair. I know it's sounds perverted, but I felt this doll up and down to see if maybe the clown head was attached after the doll was purchased, as a joke. It wasn't.

It's also a musical doll that plays "Memories," which would be okay if it wasn't the kind of doll most of us would like to forget.

Being the dogged researcher that I am, I found a label on the bottom of one of the doll's feet, which read "Victoria Impex." A Google image search revealed that this is a company that markets so-called collectible Victorian dolls with pretty faces and dresses. They also market clown dolls dressed as you would expect a clown would be. However, I found nothing that resembled the clown doll I had in my hand.

After pondering this conundrum for a while, I came to the conclusion that the Victorian clown doll was the result of a horrible accident at the factory. The head of a clown was attached to the wrong doll, and no one caught the tragic mistake before it was shipped out.

Kaycee's prize was a change purse with a red crab on it.

Sixth Place: Golden Peanut Candy Dish

Ellen found this candy dish at an Asian grocery store in Rockville. Not only is it the color of real gold, but it is has several gold-tone peanuts attached to the top.

Inside, the dish was packed with candy. I was offered a piece to eat, but I declined. If I can't read what the label says, I'm not eating it. In addition, when Ellen was asked if the candy was any good, she said, "It's...okay." If it weren't for that pause in her response, I think people might have given it a try. But not me.

Ellen chose for her prize the Instant Party Spinning Light Show, which also plays (defectively) the theme from the movie, "Beverly Hills Cop."

The Also-Rans

Scary Same Sex Soap entered by Sherryl (LR) This could be the inspiration for a horror movie; two brides trapped in a bar of soap for twenty years. That's how old this bar is, and that's what makes it look so scary. Marriage shouldn't feel like a trap, whether it's same-sex or not!	Bottle Cork with Legs entered by Karen Collins & Fred Feinstein Speaking of being trapped, this poor woman is missing half her body! When this cork is used, it looks like she's trapped upside-down in a bottle of wine. Yikes!
Dancing with Jesus bobbling figurine entered by Rita Elsner It's Jesus, dancing! What's not to love? Not only that, but his twelve Apostles have formed a conga line behind him! It would almost make me go back to church if they'd let me dance like that.
Bob Ross Talking Bobblehead entered by John Sery The most remarkable thing about this bobblehead is that Bob Ross is still a meme even though he died in 1995. This was before there was even an Internet to have a meme on. Yet everyone knows Bob Ross and his "happy little trees." Rock on, I mean, Bob on, Bob Ross!	Big Gay Ice Cream entered by Marc Brochman Maybe the name is tacky, but Marc said that it was delicious. Also, it has its own theme song, written by Jane Wiedlin of the Go-Gos. I couldn't find a link to a video of the song, but was able to buy the song for 99 cents on iTunes. It was a good song, had a nice beat, and easy to eat ice cream to.
Our fabulous audience (BC)
Making America Clean Again entered by Lauren Hubbard & Bill Kilgore If you have ever fantasized about giving our current President a swirly, this is the toilet brush for you. This is especially appropriate for those of you who are trying to remain civil to people who support him, in hopes that you can gently bring them to their senses. You can vent your frustration with that difficult task by using Donald Trump to Make America's Toilets Clean Again.	Father and Son portable urinals entered by Liz Roll The larger of the two portable urinals is also the more tacky of the two. It pretends to be a martini mixer, while the smaller one purports to contain eye ointment.
Before and after the show, musicians played for the enjoyment of the road show attendees and Harry S Truman. (LR)
All My Children board game entered by Lisa Lisa bought this in the 1980s, "unironically," as she puts it. I don't judge, I was quite fond of the soap opera myself back in the day.	Tammy Faye Bakker 45 RPM record entered by Rita Elsner Tammy Faye Bakker sings, accompanied by an orchestra, the modern Gospel song, "If It Had Not Been." On the record jacket, she's sporting smoky eye makeup ahead of its time.
Book with confusing title entered by Abbie Grotke The most remarkable thing about this self-published self-help book is its title: When Acceptance Is Denial: A Handbook for People Who Are Confused About Confusion. What a cruel trick, confusing readers before they've even opened the book. Don't people who need a book like this have enough trouble already?	Trump T-shirt entered by Bob Roll (LR) Although I would never wear such a shirt, I found it strangely fascinating in the number of weird details in its design. You can't miss Trump wearing a championship wrestling belt, holding an assault weapon, and sporting his signature smirk. But a closer look reveals such inscrutable images as an eagle firing a machine gun and an American flag with 14 stripes. Here's a link to an enlargement if you care to view this hodgepodge of right-wing iconography more closely.
Lint Art Angel entered by Ed Engel I fail to see the point of lint-based artwork, but upon searching the Internet, I see that there is quite a body of work out there. Just enter "dryer lint art" in a Google image search and you'll see many works, including portraits of everyone from Princess Diana to Lebron James to Salvador Dali. I find the entire thing surreal, which is why I suspect Dali might have approved.	Belly Button Brush entered by Abbie Grotke & Denis Malloy I thought this was merely a silly little gag. However, considering the popularity of dryer lint art, this might be a gadget that would serve a two-fold purpose. One, it provides an extra source of lint. Secondly, it gives your art that very personal touch that all artists seek.
Alien in a Jar entered by Bob Roll Seems harmless enough...	Horn-blowing poodle entered by Marc Brochman I beg to differ, this is cute, not tacky.
The judges pose with the first-place winner Left to right: Jerry McCoy, Abbie Grotke, and Chris Romaine Abbie is holding her winning entry, Flossie's Pussy, and her prize, an Enchanted Forest souvenir plate.	Denis couldn't be more thrilled!

Also entered:

• Build the Wall, a fake Lego set, entered by John Sery
• Creepy nurse figurine, makes a good gift for someone getting a colonoscopy, entered by Bev Stanton
• Moby-Duck: The True Story of 28,800 Bath Toys Lost at Sea and of the Beachcombers, Oceanographers, Environmentalists, and Fools, by Donovan Hohn, entered by Jane Gorbaty
• Tacky the Penguin written by Helen Lester and illustrated by Lynn Munsinger, an aptly named book entered by Sara Prigan
• Texas souvenir, entered by Lisa
• Naked guy in a barrel figurine, entered by Eli Savada
• Skeleton on fire leggings, entered by Julie Mangin
• Daddy Bananya, an anime character that looks like a half-cat, half-banana, entered by Ed Engel
• Snow globe and music box, entered by Andrea Savada
• Christmas glass oil candle, entered by Kathie Mack
• Green jacket, entered by Jane Gorbaty