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Tacky Treasures Road Show 2011

Julie, displaying one of the many entries in this year's show
Here I am, displaying
one of the many entries
in this year's show

Intro - Winners - Prizes - Also Rans - Acknowledgments

This year's Tacky Treasures Road Show was remarkable for a number of reasons. It was the largest audience I remember; about 50 people came to the house, and almost all them watched the show (the rest played old-time music in the basement). I may have to rent a hall for the next road show. It was the first show at which someone had the audacity to enter an item that I had given them as a Christmas present. I would have been more outraged if I hadn't been toying around with putting one of Bob's gifts to me in the show. Lucky for me (and Bob), I found two other entries that I liked better.

This was the year that someone entered the largest tacky treasure ever. The contestant could barely get it into his mini-van. And it was tacky. Boy was it tacky. Of course it took first prize, and it will be remembered forever in the annals of tackiness.

So, without further ado, here are the winners of the 2011 Tacky Treasures Road Show:

The Winners


Naked Ladies Dulcimer Society painting
Naked Ladies Dulcimer
Society painting

entered by Jeff Chumley

First Place: Naked Ladies Dulcimer Society painting

This painting is the epitome of the expression, "so bad it's good." This huge oil painting is tacky in so many ways, that it's best just to gaze in wonder, and let all its kitschy qualities wash over you like a tsunami of tackiness. There's the thirteen well-endowed naked ladies, in various provocative poses in a boiler room that is inexplicably furnished with a red velvet couch. A naked blond in the lower right of the painting has one arm around her companion, and the other hand rests on a dulcimer. In the background, a naked woman stands in the doorway. Is she fearful of entering the boiler room, and if so, then why did she come naked?

detail of upper half - detail of lower half

The fact is, you could probably write a couple of short stories about what might be happening in this painting, but who knows if you'd be right? We don't know who the artist is because much of the bottom edge of the painting is damaged.

Jeff says he found it in an antique store in Southern Maryland, where it was hidden behind other items, as if the vendor was somehow embarrassed of it...can you imagine that? After the show, I encouraged Jeff to offer it to the Museum of Bad Art in Boston. He did, and they've happily accepted it for their collection. Now all we have to do is figure out how to get it there. I know...ROAD TRIP!

Golf Whizzer
Golf Whizzer
entered by Abbie Grotke & Denis Malloy

Second Place: Golf Whizzer

Am I going to have to start a category called, "Liquor Dispensers I'll Never Drink Liquor From"? I already have "Salt and Pepper Shakers I'll Never Use" and "Mugs I'll Never Drink Out Of" so I suppose this was inevitable.

This battery-operated liquor dispenser is in the shape of a golfer who just can't wait to get back to the clubhouse to take a pee. Or as the slogan on the box says, "This golfer will do what you wish you could at the eighteenth hole!" Which would be true if you wished you could dress like a dork and dispense Southern Comfort through your penis.


Farting Bank
Farting Bank
entered by Carol Goin

Third Place: Farting Bank

Everyone has been telling me about this farting bank, since it first appeared in the Harriet Carter catalog. Harriet Carter is a well-known source for cheap and tasteless merchandise. But this is the first time I have seen this bank in the plastic flesh, as it were. I like it even less now because I found out two things about this bank:

  • the farting noise is way louder than it needs to be
  • it's not that easy to get a coin into the crack, and the farting noise goes on and on until you succeed or give up trying

It's twice the annoyance for the same low price. I have to admit it's pretty tacky, and two out three judges liked it, so it got third place.

 


Fourth Place: "Let My People Go" toilet seat cover

This is a cloth toilet seat cover printed with imitation Hebrew lettering with a background that looks like a matzoh. I think it's kind of cute. In fact, since the party we have installed it in our downstairs bathroom.

Yes it's tacky, but at least it's better than the Santa toilet seat cover I blogged about in December.

 


O.J. Simpson trial trading cards
O.J. Simpson trial
trading cards

entered by Fred Julien

Fifth Place: O.J. Simpson trial trading cards

The maker of these cards showed a complete lack of shame in exploiting the tragic death of two innocent people. Even though they claim that the a portion of the proceeds from the sale of the cards would go to unnamed organizations that support victims of domestic abuse, I still think this is in poor taste.

The cards feature photos of the prosecutors and defense attorneys, as well as photos of the victims Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman. Also included are photos of OJ's ex-girlfriend, the crime scene, the Bronco that he used in his slow-ride on the Santa Monica Freeway, and his suicide letter (ick).

The real justice in all this is that these didn't become collectors' items. They are going on eBay right now for about four bucks.

Fred Julien has a good eye for the tasteless. I don't know if he will thank me for saying that or not.

The Prizes

The winners were invited to reach into the prize bag, in order of their rank in the contest. Therefore, the prizes were:

  • 1st place, The Big Book of Irony (sadly, they did not mention the irony that the Librarian of Congress is not a librarian)
  • 2nd place, French toast bread stamp (Oo la la)
  • 3rd place: X-Rated Shots book (Most of them aren't that bad, but when I was showing the book to the road show crowd, it popped open to perhaps the most unmentionable one in the whole book)
  • 4th place, bacon-flavored jelly beans (My husband Bob won these, and we tested them the next day. Suffice it to say, we now have a lifetime supply of these, because I don't think we'll eat another as long as we live.)
  • 5th place, Marilyn Monroe, Your Personal Fashion Consultant (I can't wait to see how this book affects the winner's manner of dress.)

The Also-Rans

Elvis "Blue Hawaii" publicity still
Elvis "Blue Hawaii" publicity still
découpaged on wood plaque
Entered by Kaycee McDougall

This is what I look like when I discover that someone has entered a Christmas present that I gave them into the Tacky Treasures Road Show.

Farting Santa Christmas Ornament
Farting Santa Christmas Ornament
Entered by Trent van Blaricom

Santa's farting was not as loud as the farting bank's, and was more melodic. He farted to the tune of "Deck The Halls."

Niagra Falls souvenir snow globe
Niagara Falls souvenir snow globe
Entered by Bob Cantor

At one time, this must have been full of water, and the snow swirled beautifully all around this diorama of the falls. But now almost half the water is gone, and it looks like the Maid of the Mist has sunk in a horrible disaster. Too bad they didn't think ahead to how this would look.

Happy Jerk Off Clown
Happy Jerk Off Clown
Entered by Jennifer Cutting

This was featured previously in my blog. It was a restroom decoration at a bawdy songs concert put on by Jennifer and her friends. What a happy little guy!

Self portrait birthday cake
Self portrait birthday cake
Kaycee MacDougall

Guess what these are supposed to be?
Guess what these are supposed to be?
Kaycee MacDougall

There wasn't a tacky food category, but there should have been.

Mexican Wrestlers
Mexican Wrestlers
wooden toy

Entered by Her Serene Tackiness
Julie Mangin

These wooden luchadores were nicely made, down to the tattoos of their girlfriends on their biceps.

Julie plays with the Mexican Wrestlers
Mexican Wrestlers
wooden toy

Entered by Her Serene Tackiness
Julie Mangin

And they are fun to play with!

More entries in the road show
More entries, including a princess bulldog
figurine, Elvis Presley Pez dispensers
(a.k.a., Elvis Pezly), and a purse made from
Mountain Dew bottle caps

More entries
More entries, including toilet radio, bendy dog
picture frame, luchadores toy,
dog-faced girl portrait, mini cow pie candy

More entries
More entries, including Hillary Nutcracker,
"Hey Audubon, Identify THIS Bird"
car magnet, movie promotional barf bag,
gummi worms with eyeballs and candy sauce,
and lumpy babe mug

The scene at the Tacky Treasures Road Show
The scene at the
Tacky Treasures Road Show

"It's the Real Thing! " Coca Cola pants
"It's the Real Thing! "
Coca Cola pants

Entered by Phyliss Sholinsky

Princess Bulldog
Princess bulldog
by Zelda Wisdom
Entered by Stephanie Allgaier

1950s era pinup girl viewer
1950s era pinup girl viewer
Entered by Marc Magram

Marc shared a family heirloom with the crowd at the road show.

Football Rosary
Football Rosary
Entered by Her Serene Tackiness
Julie Mangin

These religious beads give new meaning to the phrase, "a Hail Mary pass." You can get them in other sports, such as soccer and bowling.

99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall: The Complete Lyrics
99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall:
The Complete Lyrics

Entered by Jumahl

Promotional Vomit Bag
Promotional Vomit Bag
for the movie "Mark of the Devil"
Entered by Anita Finkelstein

Girl in a bathtub ashtray
Girl in a bathtub ashtray
Entered by Danna Bell-Russel and Jeff

Around the bathtub rim it reads, "Cool your hot butt in my old tub." Another one for "Ashtrays I'll Never Put My Smoke Out In."

Toilet radio
Toilet radio
Entered by Pete Marshall

This is exactly like the one I featured on my blog, but Pete managed to find one in the original box, with its inscrutable instruction booklet.

Priceless Indian statuary
Priceless Indian statuary
Entered by Kaycee MacDougall

That's all, folks!

Acknowledgments

This show would be nothing if not for the enthusiastic participants who enter the competition. There was stiff competition for the five prizes, and as far as I'm concerned, anyone who didn't win can rightfully say, "I came in sixth."

Thanks to Bob Cantor and Jodi White for taking photos during the show.

Copyright © 2000-2010, Julie Mangin. All Rights Reserved. April 2, 2016