Tacky Treasures Road Show 2011
This year's Tacky Treasures Road Show was remarkable for a number of reasons. It was the largest audience I remember; about 50 people came to the house, and almost all them watched the show (the rest played old-time music in the basement). I may have to rent a hall for the next road show. It was the first show at which someone had the audacity to enter an item that I had given them as a Christmas present. I would have been more outraged if I hadn't been toying around with putting one of Bob's gifts to me in the show. Lucky for me (and Bob), I found two other entries that I liked better.
This was the year that someone entered the largest tacky treasure ever. The contestant could barely get it into his mini-van. And it was tacky. Boy was it tacky. Of course it took first prize, and it will be remembered forever in the annals of tackiness.
So, without further ado, here are the winners of the 2011 Tacky Treasures Road Show:
First Place: Naked Ladies Dulcimer Society painting
This painting is the epitome of the expression, "so bad it's good." This huge oil painting is tacky in so many ways, that it's best just to gaze in wonder, and let all its kitschy qualities wash over you like a tsunami of tackiness. There's the thirteen well-endowed naked ladies, in various provocative poses in a boiler room that is inexplicably furnished with a red velvet couch. A naked blond in the lower right of the painting has one arm around her companion, and the other hand rests on a dulcimer. In the background, a naked woman stands in the doorway. Is she fearful of entering the boiler room, and if so, then why did she come naked?
The fact is, you could probably write a couple of short stories about what might be happening in this painting, but who knows if you'd be right? We don't know who the artist is because much of the bottom edge of the painting is damaged.
Jeff says he found it in an antique store in Southern Maryland, where
it was hidden behind other items, as if the vendor was somehow embarrassed
of it...can you imagine that? After the show, I encouraged Jeff to offer
it to the Museum of Bad Art
in Boston. He did, and they've happily accepted it for their collection.
Now all we have to do is figure out how to get it there. I know...ROAD
Second Place: Golf Whizzer
Am I going to have to start a category called, "Liquor Dispensers I'll Never Drink Liquor From"? I already have "Salt and Pepper Shakers I'll Never Use" and "Mugs I'll Never Drink Out Of" so I suppose this was inevitable.
This battery-operated liquor dispenser is in the shape of a golfer who just can't wait to get back to the clubhouse to take a pee. Or as the slogan on the box says, "This golfer will do what you wish you could at the eighteenth hole!" Which would be true if you wished you could dress like a dork and dispense Southern Comfort through your penis.
Third Place: Farting Bank
Everyone has been telling me about this farting bank, since it first appeared in the Harriet Carter catalog. Harriet Carter is a well-known source for cheap and tasteless merchandise. But this is the first time I have seen this bank in the plastic flesh, as it were. I like it even less now because I found out two things about this bank:
It's twice the annoyance for the same low price. I have to admit it's pretty tacky, and two out three judges liked it, so it got third place.
Fourth Place: "Let My People Go" toilet seat cover
This is a cloth toilet seat cover printed with imitation Hebrew lettering with a background that looks like a matzoh. I think it's kind of cute. In fact, since the party we have installed it in our downstairs bathroom.
Yes it's tacky, but at least it's better than the Santa toilet seat cover I blogged about in December.
Fifth Place: O.J. Simpson trial trading cards
The maker of these cards showed a complete lack of shame in exploiting the tragic death of two innocent people. Even though they claim that the a portion of the proceeds from the sale of the cards would go to unnamed organizations that support victims of domestic abuse, I still think this is in poor taste.
The cards feature photos of the prosecutors and defense attorneys, as well as photos of the victims Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman. Also included are photos of OJ's ex-girlfriend, the crime scene, the Bronco that he used in his slow-ride on the Santa Monica Freeway, and his suicide letter (ick).
The real justice in all this is that these didn't become collectors' items. They are going on eBay right now for about four bucks.
Fred Julien has a good eye for the tasteless. I don't know if he will
thank me for saying that or not.
The winners were invited to reach into the prize bag, in order of their rank in the contest. Therefore, the prizes were:
This show would be nothing if not for the enthusiastic participants who enter the competition. There was stiff competition for the five prizes, and as far as I'm concerned, anyone who didn't win can rightfully say, "I came in sixth."
Thanks to Bob Cantor and Jodi White for taking photos during the show.
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